


Greed for your love

by Mialienes



Category: Super Junior, Super Junior-M
Genre: Angst, Infidelity, M/M, Self Loathing, alcohol as self medication, unhappy times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-19 23:32:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2406950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mialienes/pseuds/Mialienes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're not supposed to love two people at once. But Zhou Mi can't choose, and he also can't let go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Greed for your love

Zhou Mi waves his hand at the bartender, a wordless request to top him up. 

"You don't think you've had enough?" 

There'll never be enough, Zhou Mi thinks as he pulls a fifty from his pocket, pushing it across the bar. He doesn't say anything. 

The bartender sighs, shaking his head, but he still pulls out the bottle and pours in a generous shot.

Zhou Mi picks it up, tilts the glass, watches the colourless liquid slosh from side to side. He looks at it as if he's searching for answers to his life. The problem is, if answers could be found at the bottom of a glass Zhou Mi would have found them a long time ago. 

He swallows the vodka in one gulp. It burns as it goes down but he's used to the sensation by now. The bartender stares at him and if Zhou Mi was a more confrontational person he'd ask, "What?" Make a show, be aggressive, yell, scream, hurt someone else the way he's hurting. 

But he doesn't, because the only people he hurts are the ones that he loves. 

So he texts his boyfriend instead: _Don't wait up. I'm going out._. On these kinds of days his self-loathing and guilt - feelings that are always part of him - rise to the surface, refusing to be quiet. On these days he drinks until he can stop thinking about the past. 

Not that it ever truly works. Not when he has so much past to think about. 

Tonight it's particularly bad. It's one of _those_ nights - one where the alcohol by itself isn't enough. He needs more - and he finds himself searching in the darkness for a connection. For a moment, he thinks he sees Kyuhyun but then he slips away, just out of reach as always. Instead, Zhou Mi lets himself but pulled into the crowd, finding someone - anyone really - to lose himself in, just for a heartbeat. Tall, short, slim, muscular - it doesn't matter. He just needs someone to take his mind off what he's lost, and to make him forget what he has. 

It's late, beyond late, when he returns home, blearily opening the door to their apartment. It's dark inside and he's halfway across the room before he notices Siwon sitting in the armchair in the corner. 

"I told you not to wait for me," Zhou Mi tells him coldly, outwardly ignoring the hurt look on Siwon's face. Internally it adds to his pile of guilt, stacked up to the ceiling. Zhou Mi is a terrible boyfriend at the best of times and on these nights, he's even worse. On these nights, Zhou Mi hates himself so much that having someone who loves him makes him feel sick.

Siwon stands up, reaching out. "Mimi…" His tone is patient, like he's talking to an unruly child. Siwon's patience seems endless. Through everything that Zhou Mi has put him through, he's still there, holding a hand out waiting for Zhou Mi to come back to him. 

Zhou Mi dodges him, clumsily knocking his hip on the couch as he side steps Siwon's embrace. He can't let Siwon near him - Zhou Mi reeks of alcohol and smoke and guilt. "Don't touch me." 

He's awful, he knows he's being awful, and yet he can't help it. It's like he wants to punish Siwon. He wants to yell at him, he wants to _hurt_ him, and Zhou Mi hates himself for it. 

He runs for the bathroom, locking himself inside, ignoring Siwon's calls. Zhou Mi turns the shower on, until the water is scalding hot and filling the room with steam. In the shower he scrubs himself vigorously, wishing that he could also wash away the dirt inside of him. 

 

*

 

_Zhou Mi frowns at his notes and sighs heavily. "I'm pretty sure that I'm never going to need to know the difference between an ionic bond and a covalent bond." He's in the library with Ryeowook, studying for their upcoming final exams. "What's the point of all this stuff? It doesn't even relate to real life," he continues. "It doesn't matter if I pass or not anyway."_

_Ryeowook looks up from his books. "Even if you're not coming to university, you need to pass high school or your parents won't let you model." He taps him on the nose with his pen. "Keep studying."_

_Zhou Mi leans back in his chair, taking a big stretch and cracking his spine. He sighs again, propping his head on a hand. Zhou Mi and Ryeowook are sitting at a study table in the middle of the library, and all around them other students are also studying studiously, heads down and pens frantically scribbling. It's not long until exams and soon Zhou Mi, along with the rest of his year, will be free from school forever._

_He notices a sleepy eyed boy walking through the library. Plump cheeks marred with a spattering of acne and ruffled hair, but there's something about him that attracts his attention. "Cute," Zhou Mi thinks to himself. He's surprised when the boy walks past their table, mumbling a shy hello to Ryeowook as he wanders through the tables._

_Zhou Mi watches him leave with interest. He nudges Ryeowook. "Who was that?"_

_"That? Oh, that's Kyuhyun. He's in my calculus class."_

_Zhou Mi wonders why he's never seen him before. He definitely would've remembered someone like him._

_"He transferred to our school about a month ago," Ryeowook continues, nibbling on the edge of his pen._

_"Must be hard to change schools so close to the end of the school year," Zhou Mi muses._

_Ryeowook shrugs. "Must be. I don't know the details, there's rumours that he had trouble at his last school because he's…"_

_"He's?"_

_Ryeowook looks around before saying quietly, "Gay. "_

_"Oh."_

_"Whether it's true or not, he's a really nice guy."_

_They stop talking for a bit as they go back to studying, the only noise the scratching of their pens as they take notes. And then Zhou Mi nudges Ryeowook again._

_"Introduce me next time."_

 

*

 

In the morning, he wakes up to a pounding headache and Siwon stroking his hair gently. Zhou Mi groans and turns over, burying his face into his pillow.

"Here, take these." Siwon nudges him until he turns his head and opens his eyes. 

Zhou Mi stares up at him. This sincere, loving, handsome man, who's only ever been good to him. "Why do you put up with me?"

"Because I love you," Siwon tells him. When did 'I love you' start sounding so sad, Zhou Mi wonders. Siwon's other hand clutches the covers as he waits for Zhou Mi to take the pills. 

"You deserve better, " Zhou Mi whispers, but he's not sure if Siwon hears him or if he's just ignoring him because there's no response. He's told him this before, and yet Siwon still stays. 

Sometimes Zhou Mi wishes that he could let Siwon go. Or maybe he needs to let Kyuhyun go. 

Zhou Mi takes the pills, forcing them down his throat in a dry swallow. He doesn't even say thank you, instead moving to pull the covers back over his head.

He could really use another drink. 

 

*

 

_Their first apartment is tiny: a studio with a kitchenette and a shoebox of a bathroom. Kyuhyun is still in university and Zhou Mi pays the rent from his modest modelling income, supplemented by money he earns working at a cafe. They sleep on a lumpy double futon that's squeezed into the corner of the room. There's a desk underneath their sole window that Kyuhyun uses for studying, spreading out his books as much as he can on the small surface. There's no room for a table and chairs, so they eat meals perched on plastic stools bought from the bargain shop._

_They have hardly any money and Kyuhyun learns to cook so they don't have to live on instant noodles and toast. ("Junk food isn't good for your skin, Mi!") Zhou Mi spends hours walking up and down the short length of their apartment, perfecting his walk, while Kyuhyun studies. Zhou Mi goes to casting upon casting, so many that they blur into one another. It's exhausting._

_They fight of course. It's difficult to be together when they can only just manage to pay the bills and when they're tired all the time. It doesn't help that neither of their families are particularly supportive._

_Things get better as Zhou Mi gradually builds up his portfolio. His breakthrough comes when he's selected to walk for several shows at Berlin Fashion Week. From that he gets Tokyo, Hong Kong, Sydney. The following year he does the big four for both seasons: New York, London, Milan and Paris._

_Kyuhyun graduates, joining a top law firm as a junior associate._

_Life gets easier. They're happy. Until Zhou Mi fucks it up._

 

*

 

When Zhou Mi wakes up later, finally blessedly alone, Siwon has left for a job. He's still hugely in demand, while Zhou Mi's career has flat lined. Not that Zhou Mi can bring himself to care - it's all his fault anyway. 

Zhou Mi head pounds, but this time it's due to crushing guilt and self loathing rather than a hangover. 

He pulls himself out of bed. Siwon will be home from his shoot in a few hours. Zhou Mi decides that the least he can do is have dinner ready when Siwon returns home. 

Every now and again Zhou Mi does these little gestures to try and redeem himself. As if a meal could ever make up for the things he's done. He wants to laugh but instead he snags a bottle of vodka from his stash in the closet on his way to the kitchen. 

He's in the middle of chopping vegetables when Kyuhyun shows up. 

"You're such an idiot." These days Kyuhyun greets him with insults, and Zhou Mi lets him, because he's too weak to protest.

Zhou Mi exhales, setting his knife to one side. Kyuhyun still looks so young, even though so much time has passed. How is it that he doesn't age even as Zhou Mi becomes older and more and more cynical? The other day Zhou Mi looked in the mirror and found wrinkles that he was sure weren't there before. "I am," he agrees, "But I don't know how to stop." 

Kyuhyun's presses his lips into a flat line. "Yes, you do. You could tip the rest of that out, for starters." He gestures to the glass of clear liquid sitting next to the chopping board. "I don't know why Siwon puts up with it," he mutters darkly. "I wouldn't." 

"You did for a while," Zhou Mi mutters, mostly to himself. He stares down at the vegetables on his chopping board, remembering when Kyuhyun used to cook for him. He remembers Kyuhyun standing behind him, guiding him, teaching him the best way to dice carrots. 

"Perhaps you should try treating him better." 

"I don't think I can," Zhou Mi confesses. He's stuck in a cycle. The nicer Siwon is to him, the worse Zhou Mi behaves. He pushes him away, then he pulls him back. "I'm too selfish." He lops the top off a carrot, pressing harder than he has to, creating a deep gouge in the wooden cutting board. 

"You're definitely selfish," Kyuhyun tells him before he leaves. 

Zhou Mi goes back to his cooking, but his appetite is gone. He pours himself another drink. 

 

* 

 

_Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun move homes several times until they end up in their dream apartment, high on the 18th floor with a view of the ocean, the floors carpeted in a plush light grey._

_On their first night there they fuck on the soft carpet with the curtains open while the sun sets over the bay, casting a riot of red, pink and purple across the sky._

_Kyuhyun rolls over to face him, hair messy and tousled. There's a swell of love in Zhou Mi's chest, and he can't help the gooey smile that spreads over his face._

_"I love you." They were each other's firsts: first date, first kiss, first time, first love. Zhou Mi can't help but believe that they'll be each other's only._

_"Don't be gross," Kyuhyun teases, lifting up a foot to kick at him lightly._

_"Oh!" Zhou Mi retaliates by pouncing on him, wrapping him up in the blankets so his limbs are tangled. Kyuhyun struggles, squirming, laughing as Zhou Mi peppers his face in slobbery kisses. "I'll show you gross."_

_There's peals of laughter as Kyuhyun does his best to wriggle free. "Mercy! Mercy!"_

_Zhou Mi flops on top of him to hold him still and buries his face in Kyuhyun's neck, giggling. "Say you love me and I'll show you mercy."_

_Kyuhyun scrunches up his nose but obeys. "I love you. Idiot."_

_Zhou Mi lifts his head, eyes sparkling. "I love you so much. I'll always love you. Always, always, always."_

_"Do you promise?"_

_"I promise."_

 

*

 

"Thank you for dinner." Siwon says, wrapping his arms around Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi automatically tenses up but forces himself to relax into the embrace, hoping that Siwon didn't notice. Whenever Zhou Mi doles out a tiny act of kindness, Siwon acts like Zhou Mi personally hung the moon and the stars for him. 

"I'm sorry," he tells Siwon. He doesn't even need to say what he's apologising for. They play the same roles, over and over. 

"It's okay. I understand. I know it's hard… I promised that I would be patient." 

Zhou Mi hates the guilt that slices its way through him, cutting through his veins and lungs and heart, leaving them raw and bloody. Despite everything, Zhou Mi loves Siwon, he really does. It's just buried under the feelings of despair and loathing and regret. 

"Did you…?" Siwon asks. Zhou Mi shakes his head. 

"No, no I didn't."

"Then it's okay." Siwon tightens his hold, anchoring him, and Zhou Mi can't help himself. He falls into him, just like he always has. 

 

*

 

_"And…" Ryeowook continues. "I wondered if you'd be my best man?"_

_Zhou Mi beams at him before sweeping him up in a hug and twirling him around. "It would be my honour. God, I can't believe that you're finally getting married!" He puts Ryeowook down and drags him over to a chair. "Tell me all about the proposal. I hope you did something decent! Did you buy her a ring? Did you get down on one knee?"_

_"You're such a romantic," Ryeowook chides good naturedly, rolling his eyes. "Have you ever thought about - ? I know you can't here, but you two could go overseas?"_

_"Oh, I don't know. We've talked about it, but… we've been together for so long, there's no need for a ceremony, right? It wouldn't make a difference to our relationship. Though..." Zhou Mi grins, biting his lip. "He did give me this for our fifth anniversary."_

_Zhou Mi holds out his right hand, where he's wearing a simple silver band on the fourth finger. "He has one too."_

_"Couple rings?" Ryeowook grins back. "That is so cute. I hope that I'll be as happy with my fiance as you are with Kyuhyun. You're so perfect together."_

_Zhou Mi blushes. "Don't be silly. We're not perfect. We fight sometimes."_

_"Nooooo."_

_It's true. They do - just like all couples. Sometimes Zhou Mi wonders - if they met each other as adults, would they still be together? They're so different. But then he chastises himself for being silly. They love one another, and they're determined to make it work. What does it matter?_

 

*

 

Siwon is away for a few days for a shoot so Zhou Mi goes to the liquor store, idly walking up and down the aisles. Siwon has stopped buying wine, has cleared their home of alcohol, as if that is enough to stop Zhou Mi drinking. 

Zhou Mi finally decides on a bottle of red, pulling one off the shelf and inspecting the label. It's Kyuhyun's favourite. He wonders if he'll come by tonight. 

Back home he's reaching into the cupboard when Kyuhyun shows up. 

"Oh, you're here," Zhou Mi says, pulling out two wine glasses. He uncorks the bottle and pours. 

Kyuhyun looks at him reproachfully. "You know I'm not going to drink that. I don't know why you keep pretending." 

Zhou Mi picks up his own glass, taking a sip of the liquid, throat working as he swallows it down. "It makes it easier." He swirls the wine around in the glass and grabs a hold of the bottle, moving to the sofa. 

Kyuhyun follows, perching himself on an arm chair. "You drink too much."

"I don't drink enough." There's not enough alcohol in the world to make Zhou Mi forget. He closes his eyes and leans back. "When did you start being so judgemental?"

Kyuhyun crosses his arms and glares at him in lieu of a response. 

They don't talk. Zhou Mi drinks in silence and eventually Kyuhyun slips away without saying goodbye. After he's gone, Zhou Mi finds himself in the kitchen looking at the glass of wine he'd poured for Kyuhyun. 

He picks it up and, for a very brief moment, considers tipping it down the sink. He drinks it instead.

 

*

 

_Zhou Mi pushes his pasta around on his plate as the conversation goes on around him. He hates these gatherings with Kyuhyun's university pals. They're uptight and boorish, unable to see beyond their insular lives, and he has nothing in common with them. They always give him the impression that he's not on the same level as them - lording their intelligence and education over him, making him feel stupid. Nothing's changed in the years he's known them. They don't respect him, even now that he has a flourishing career, because it's not a "real job"._

_He takes a swig of his wine and tries to tune them out. If only they knew what was outside of their privileged existences. He can feel Kyuhyun eyeing him, and Kyuhyun puts his hand on Zhou Mi's thigh and squeezes gently. He no doubt means it as a gesture of comfort, but Zhou Mi knows it's also a wordless request to slow down on the drinking._

_Whatever, Zhou Mi thinks, finishing his glass. He knows he's acting like a petulant child, but he hadn't wanted to attend tonight, only giving in because Kyuhyun had sternly told him it wouldn't look good if he backed out at the last minute._

_At the last minute? Zhou Mi hadn't even said yes in the first place. Kyuhyun had accepted for the both of them._

_In the car home, Zhou Mi is pleasantly sloshed but Kyuhyun is pissed off, his temper finally snapping now that they're alone._

_"Why do you always have to be like that?" Kyuhyun hisses at him. "They're my friends."_

_"They're assholes," Zhou Mi tells him unapologetically, a slight slur in his words. "They think I'm beneath them."_

_"They do not!" Kyuhyun retorts angrily. "You're the one who thinks you're superior. You make no secret what you think about them - you never have." He thumps the steering wheel. "You can't even hold your disdain back for a few hours."_

_Even through the drunk haze, Zhou Mi is astonished. "What? They're the ones who don't think I'm good enough. They never hesitate to imply that I'm not smart enough for you! Before I made it big, they thought I was pathetic - that I was just leeching off you."_

_"They never said that."_

_"They never said it directly but it was obvious they thought it."_

_Their voices have risen in volume until they're shouting at one another. Zhou Mi doesn't feel pleasantly drunk any more - he's angry - livid that Kyuhyun has never noticed that his friends have always thought that he could do better._

_Or maybe he's just never cared enough to correct them. Maybe that's what he thinks too._

_"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Zhou Mi tells him, turning away to stare out the window. There's no point. "You can believe what you want."_

_When they arrive home, Zhou Mi goes straight to bed, pulling off his clothes and climbing in. Kyuhyun follows not long after, lying on his side of the bed, a huge gulf between them._

_Neither of them sleep._

_Zhou Mi can hear Kyuhyun sigh, and then he turns over, shuffling up to press himself against Zhou Mi's back._

_"I'm sorry." He wraps his arms around Zhou Mi's waist, breath warm against Zhou Mi's neck. "I'm sorry."_

_And suddenly all of Zhou Mi's anger disappears and he doesn't even know why he was pissed off. He twists to face Kyuhyun. "No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you."_

_They make up with kisses, murmured endearments. They don't discuss the fight but - they don't need to._

_They love one another and that, Zhou Mi naively believes, makes everything okay._

 

*

 

Zhou Mi loiters outside the building, hood pulled up and fidgeting with his phone. He times his entrance perfectly, entering just before class starts. 

Ryeowook is already there, towel draped over the bicycle next to his. Zhou Mi gives him a quick smile and removes it, handing it over. 

"Thanks for saving me a spot," he whispers before the instructor claps his hands and the spin class starts. Zhou Mi loses himself in the workout, letting the intensity of the exercise clear his head. 

Afterwards, sweaty and tired, Zhou Mi just wants to go home, but Ryeowook grabs his wrist before he can race out of the room. 

"Do you have time for a coffee?" 

He wants to say no, but he can't. They take a quick shower and head to the cafe next door. 

"How are you?" Ryeowook asks him as Zhou Mi fidgets in his chair. He's always been too perceptive. Zhou Mi has never been able to lie to him. 

Zhou Mi shrugs. "Fine." 

"You went out the other night."

Zhou Mi shrugs again, the memory burning like bile in his throat. Siwon must've messaged him, asking him to keep an eye on Zhou Mi while he's away. 

Ryeowook sighs, toying with the sleeves of his hoodie. He looks uneasy. "How long are you going to keep doing this to yourself?"

"I didn't realise there was a time limit," Zhou Mi snaps, a sudden rush of anger overwhelming him. He immediately regrets the bite in his voice. 

Ryeowook almost recoils. "That's not what I meant, you know that." And then, softly, "I just want to help you." 

Everyone in Zhou Mi's life is so good to him. But he's horrible, a poor excuse for a human being. He doesn't respond, just stares down at his hands where they're clenched tightly into fists in his lap. He presses harder, forcing the nails into his skin, every muscle tense. 

"Mi…" Ryeowook says gently. "Do you still talk to Kyuhyun?" His voice is so gentle, like he's afraid Zhou Mi will fall into pieces. Zhou Mi regrets telling him.

Zhou Mi bows his head, his fringe falling into his eyes. He needs a haircut. He wishes he could lie to his friend, but the only person he's good at lying to is himself. "Yes." 

Even after everything, Kyuhyun is still the love of his life. Once, he thought that he could just stop seeing him, but he _can't_. He knows that it's crazy, but he just can't. 

(Even after everything, Siwon is still the other love of his life. Once, he thought that he could just stop seeing him, but he couldn't manage to do that either.) 

Ryeowook exhales heavily. "Have you told Siwon?" 

Zhou Mi wants to laugh. There's so much he hasn't told Siwon. Why would he tell him this? He shakes his head. "No. I'll never tell him." 

"Maybe you should…?"

Zhou Mi shakes his head, furious again. "No."

 

*

 

_When Zhou Mi opens the door, the apartment is dark and empty._

_It's not like he'd been expecting a party, but he has been away for an entire week, and there's not even a note or a message._

_He calls Kyuhyun as he trods to their bedroom. Kyuhyun eventually picks up, just as it's about to go to voicemail._

_"Hello?" Even with just one word, Zhou Mi can hear the stress in his voice. Kyuhyun is typing away in the background and he's obviously put Zhou Mi on speakerphone._

_"Where are you? I just got home."_

_"Oh, sorry I'm still at work. Lots going on today. Umm. Don't stay up, okay? I don't know what time I'll be back." The keys continue to clack as he speaks._

_They talk for a few more, rather unsatisfying, seconds before hanging up. Zhou Mi flops on to their bed, arms outstretched like a starfish. Once upon a time he would come home from a trip and Kyuhyun would be there to greet him._

_He knows that Kyuhyun is busy with his own career, and Zhou Mi does go away a lot nowadays. He tries not to be ungrateful. They're both working towards something more - a better life together. Zhou Mi just misses his boyfriend - Kyuhyun has been working on an important case and they haven't spent much time together._

_As he lies there, he thinks that maybe they could go away together once Kyuhyun's case is finished, just the two of them. He could probably convince Kyuhyun to take him to the beach for a few days, even though Kyuhyun hates the ocean._

_The thought cheers him up a little._

_Zhou Mi rolls over on to his stomach and reaches for his phone. He's feeling restless and it's far too early to go to bed._

_He makes a phone call. "Hey, what are you up to? I just got back into town. Want to go out for a drink?"_

 

*

 

Zhou Mi lies sprawled on the bed, a cool breeze blowing through the open window. He presses the bruises on his hip, remembering the frantic, almost desperate, way Siwon fucked him before he left. 

Zhou Mi likes it better when it hurts a little, but it's unusual for Siwon to be so rough. Siwon likes to treat him like he's made of glass. 

Maybe he's wearing Siwon down after all. The thought makes him feel ill. It's not enough to destroy himself, he has to pull Siwon down with him? 

"Hi! Is everything okay?"

"Yeah…" Zhou Mi says into the phone, watching the way the light from the lamp post outside casts shadows on the ceiling. "I just wanted to hear your voice." He always gets clingy when Siwon is away. 

Zhou Mi misses him when he's not there, and he's an asshole to him when he is. 

He can sense Siwon's smile, even though he can't see it. "I miss you too."

Now that he has him on the phone, Zhou Mi doesn't really know what to say. "I'm really sorry." 

'You don't have to apologise." It's such a lie. Zhou Mi can never apologise enough. And maybe Siwon isn't even the right person to be apologising to. 

"I'm a shitty boyfriend." It's starting to get too cold in the room, but Zhou Mi can't summon the energy to get up and close the window. 

"Mimi… don't do this." 

"Wait, just wait. I have to…" Zhou Mi sits up, pressing a hand to the ache in his chest. Tears come upon him suddenly, rolling down his cheeks and falling on to the bed in fat drops. "I'll try to be better, I promise."

"I know, I know," Siwon tells him soothingly. "It's okay, Mimi. It's okay. I'm here, I'll always be here. I love you, remember?"

Zhou Mi lets Siwon talk as he crawls underneath the covers, his heart aching and limbs heavy. He closes his eyes and lets Siwon's deep voice wash over him, lulling him into sleep. 

He dreams. 

He dreams of falling in love with a young boy. He dreams of their life together: the happiness and the joy. Even in his sleep, he wishes he could stop the dream there, but it continues. 

He then dreams of falling in love with a man: tall, handsome, and kind - the kindest person he's ever known.

Nothing could have prepared Zhou Mi for his reaction to meeting Siwon in person. He knew, from the second that they met, that he was in trouble. 

At first he tried to fight it, pretending to himself that they were just friends. They just had an understanding, he told himself, because they worked in the same industry and had similar experiences. It wasn't anything beyond that. 

But the first time they kissed, hyped up on adrenaline after a show, hidden away in a corner of a dressing room, his traitorous heart thumped, pounding so hard it felt like it was going to blow his chest open. He dreams of it and - 

Zhou Mi twists in his sleep. It's just friendship. It doesn't mean anything. 

Even in his dreams, he lies to himself. 

 

*

 

_"Who's Siwon?"_

_It's been a while since Zhou Mi last saw Ryeowook. Zhou Mi has been in Japan for a campaign, and Ryeowook has been bogged down in wedding plans. They're finally catching up and Zhou Mi has many tales of his trip to share. But the more he talks, the quieter Ryeowook becomes._

_"Siwon? We were in Japan together. For the shoot. He's under a different agency but we've been working together a bit -"_

_Ryeowook stops him, hand on his arm. "That's not what I'm asking. Zhou Mi," he says seriously, "Are you having an affair?"_

_Zhou Mi's first reaction is to deny it. His heart feels like it stops before it kicks back into gear - beating twice as fast as before. "Why - why are you asking me that? Of course not."_

_And Ryeowook says to him, so gently, "You don't talk about him like he's a colleague. You talk about him like…"_

_Like you're in love with him._

_Zhou Mi worries at his lip. It's true that he's gotten close to Siwon since they met. And maybe… maybe they've been blurring the boundaries a little. Zhou Mi hadn't realised that there was a space in his heart until Siwon came and slid himself in._

_"Does Kyuhyun know? Are you two having problems?"_

_"No. No! It's not like that. Siwon and I haven't - we haven't done anything. We haven't slept together." There's been the one kiss - just one. Zhou Mi lies to himself when he thinks there hasn't been anything else. He ignores the late night texting, the phone calls, the conversations they have that last for hours but seem to fly by in minutes. He ignores the laughter, the way he feels free around Siwon, the way Siwon just seems to understand him, the way Siwon looks at him like he's a precious jewel. Because that doesn't count. Right?_

_It's obvious that Ryeowook doesn't believe him. "You need to talk to Kyuhyun. You know what you're doing is wrong. Stop before you do something you regret."_

_Zhou Mi is silent. He stares at a water spot on the table and twists the ring he wears on his right hand._

_The problem is - (if Zhou Mi doesn't think about Kyuhyun) - it doesn't feel wrong._

 

*

 

Kyuhyun leans against the kitchen bench as Zhou Mi stands in the middle of the room, a hand to his forehead. It's throbbing again: a strobe in his brain pulsing on and off, on and off. 

"Good morning, sunshine," Kyuhyun says to him mockingly.

"Shut up," Zhou Mi snaps. 

"Is poor little princess hung over again?"

"Fuck you." 

'The time for that has passed," Kyuhyun says, a little sadly and Zhou Mi's anger deflates at his words. All the things he wants to say sit on the tip of his tongue. "Don't apologise," Kyuhyun says quickly. 

So instead Zhou Mi tells him, almost accusingly, "You left." Kyuhyun always leaves. Zhou Mi is waiting for the day when he'll leave forever. He doesn't know if he's afraid or eager for that day. Maybe both. "Where were you?" 

"Nowhere," Kyuhyun replies, his attention distracted by an acrid scent in the air. "Your toast is burning," he points out. 

"Fuck." Zhou Mi turns the toaster off, the bread popping up, dark and burnt. He didn't really feel like eating anyway. He grabs the toast, almost burning his fingertips, and throws the slices into the bin. 

"You're not going to eat?" 

"I don't feel like it." 

"You should eat. You're too thin these days." 

Zhou Mi thinks that Kyuhyun is probably too thin too. "I've always been thin." 

Kyuhyun shakes his head. "Not like this." 

He's right. Zhou Mi looked in the mirror the other day and saw the gauntness of regret sitting on his face, the bags under his eyes dark with sorrow. He watched his reflection as he traced the outline of his ribs. It felt like wistfulness. 

"I never asked before," and there's so much sadness in Kyuhyun's eyes that Zhou Mi dreads what he's going to say next. "Was I not enough for you?"

Zhou Mi slumps to the floor, back against the fridge. He wants to crumple in on himself, scrunch into the floorboards and disappear. "You were enough," he whispers. "It was me, I -" How can he explain that it wasn't Kyuhyun that was lacking, it was himself, that he was weak, he's always been weak. 

Even now, he's so, so weak. 

 

*

 

_There's a buzz thrumming through Zhou Mi's veins as he wanders into the walk in wardrobe to select an outfit. He pulls out a pair of sleek royal blue trousers and holds them out, considering. Maybe if paired it with the new grey shirt he bought. He could push up the sleeves and add jewellery and a tiny slick of eyeliner._

_His musings are interrupted by Kyuhyun, leaning against the doorframe. "You look perfect as you are."_

_"Kyu," he replies, slightly exasperated. "It's a party. I can't show up in jeans and a tank top. This is why you're not in fashion."_

_"But you look so good," Kyuhyun tells him, walking up and throwing his arms around him. "Will you be late tonight?"_

_Zhou Mi nods. These parties always go until the early hours of the morning. And… Siwon will be there. A little buzz of happiness rolls through him. There's guilt too, but he pushes that away, deliberately not thinking about it._

_"Don't wait up, you have work tomorrow." He gives Kyuhyun a quick kiss and then pushes him out of the closet. "Scoot. I need to finish getting dressed or I'll be late."_

_"You're intending to be fashionably late anyway," Kyuhyun mock grumbles but he leaves him to it._

_Zhou Mi returns home just as Kyuhyun is getting ready for work. Kyuhyun, hearing him enter the bedroom, leaves the bathroom still clutching his toothbrush._

_"You only just got home?" There's a smudge of toothpaste on Kyuhyun's cheek and Zhou Mi reaches up to rub it away. Kyuhyun swats at his hand, annoyed. "Mi. Where were you?"_

_"Just with some of the guys. We kicked on afterwards." He can tell that Kyuhyun doesn't believe him. "You should finish getting ready for work."_

_"Wait." Kyuhyun comes in for a hug, but Zhou Mi sidesteps him._

_"I've been out all night. Let me shower first."_

_He turns away but is stopped when Kyuhyun says sternly, "Zhou Mi." And he's frozen to the spot when Kyuhyun enters his personal space, when he presses his nose into the crook of Zhou Mi's neck and inhales, before saying, "That's not your cologne."_

 

*

 

Zhou Mi flips through the pages of a magazine he's pulled from the bookshelf in the living room. He runs a finger over the glossy images, over the photos of himself, sharp cheekbones, elegantly poised angles. It's one of his favourite photosets - from the first time he was paired with Siwon. 

In his favourite photo, Zhou Mi is dressed all in black: an exquisitely cut suit that emphasises his small waist and broad shoulders. He's standing in a stone archway, looking out at a barren landscape of red dust and sand. Beside him stands Siwon in contrasting white: slim cut trousers and an unbuttoned shirt that's blown open to show his tanned chest. Siwon is looking at Zhou Mi with so much tenderness that he can almost feel it through the photo. 

In the image, Zhou Mi looks so strong and confident, like he's about to start trekking his way through the desert on an adventure. 

Zhou Mi desperately wants to be strong again, even if it's only playing pretend. 

He calls Heechul. 

"Zhou Mi."

"What if I told you that I want to start working again?" 

"Are you still drinking?"

"No," Zhou Mi lies. Everyone in the industry drinks or does drugs anyway. It doesn't matter. 

Heechul clicks his tongue disbelievingly. "Is there something you want to say to me first?"

"I'm sorry." After - _after_ \- Zhou Mi had blocked everyone out, particularly those who tried the hardest to help him. 

"Meet me tomorrow," Heechul says before hanging up. 

The following day he goes to visit Heechul. He hasn't been there for a long time. Heechul's secretary, Jinri, greets him with a big smile, coming out from behind the desk to give him a hug.

"Zhou Mi! It's been so long!" 

She's always been so sweet to him. After his breakdown, she sent messages every week for months, just little things like "Miss you!"; "Things will get better" or pictures of cute animals that she knew he'd like. He's really missed her, and, he's missed Heechul too. 

Heechul pulls open the door to his office and scowls at him from the doorway. "Get in here," he barks. 

Zhou Mi follows like a scolded puppy, taking a seat in front of Heechul's desk. Everything looks the same. Heechul's desk is spotless as always, and a photo of Zhou Mi's first fashion campaign still hangs on the wall, except now it's joined by photos of Heechul's other models. The ones he's actually proud of. 

Zhou Mi remembers taking Kyuhyun out to dinner when he got the cheque from his first shoot, a fancier place than they'd ever been to before in their lives. They giggled their way through the menu and all the words they couldn't pronounce, holding hands under the table. They were so young then. 

Heechul appraises him. "You look like shit." He walks in front of him, clasping Zhou Mi's chin in his hand and forcing his head from side to side. "You look like you haven't slept and eaten in weeks." Zhou Mi fiddles with his hands, the bones of his wrist pressing sharply against his skin. "Fortunately for you, an emaciated half dead look is in." Heechul snorts. "Whatever sells, right? I'll put the word out that you're back, see what campaigns are available. Just know that the work won't be as good as you were used to."

Zhou Mi knows. He fell apart at the top of his career, a shining star who fell to earth with a crash.

Heechul dismisses him. "You can go now. I'll call you when I have work. And Mi?"

"Yes?"

"You should stop drinking." 

Zhou Mi nods, but they both know he won't.

 

*

 

_"When did you stop loving me?" Kyuhyun asks when he finally opens the door, his eyes puffy and red but dry. From his position on the floor, Zhou Mi can see that their bedroom is in disarray._

_This is after Kyuhyun had screamed at him in fury. This is after Kyuhyun hit him, repeatedly pummelling him with a fist and Zhou Mi let him because he deserved it. This is after Kyuhyun locked himself into their bedroom, the sound of objects breaking, as Zhou Mi collapsed on to the floor outside listening to him sobbing his heart out. Kyuhyun always hated people seeing him cry._

_"I never stopped, never. I loved you from the moment we met, and I'll never stop," Zhou Mi tells him helplessly._

_"Then why?"_

_"I don't know. I don't know. I can't explain it."_

_"Was it a one time thing?" Kyuhyun demands, a storm in his voice._

_Zhou Mi hangs his head. His silence is answer enough._

_"You're going to stop. Stop seeing him. Stop talking to him. I can forgive you eventually, but you can't see him anymore."_

_Zhou Mi agrees, knowing that it's an impossible task. He loves Kyuhyun, loves him so fiercely that it hurts to think of losing him. They've been together since they were 18. There's no one in this world who knows him better._

_But he loves Siwon too. And it hurts just as much to think of losing him._

 

*

 

Zhou Mi opens his eyes to find Kyuhyun staring at him from the end of the bed. 

"Why do you keep doing this? You have so many people who love you."

"I don't deserve it, no one should love me."

"I loved you," says Kyuhyun fiercely. 

"Fuck." Tears prickle in Zhou Mi's eyes. "Don't say it like it's in the past."

"It's true, though - isn't it? You need to stop lying to yourself." Kyuhyun's voice is so quiet in the darkness he can barely hear him. It's like an echo in his mind. 

The curtain flutters as the wind blows through the open window. 

Zhou Mi has so much love inside of him, but it's all directed outwards. Why is it so wrong to love two people? Why can't he have them both? (He knows the answer to this question, he knows he knows, he just doesn't want to face it.)

"Mi…" Kyuhyun moves closer. The light from the window highlights him from behind. He looks like an angel. Zhou Mi wants so badly to reach out and touch him but that's no longer allowed. "Stop doing this. Let me go."

"Oh Kyuhyun." Zhou Mi puts a hand to his mouth, stricken. "If I could change things, I would," Zhou Mi whispers. "I wish I could change things." All his regrets wash over him, drowning him, pulling him away from the shore. He needs an anchor, he needs Siwon.

Kyuhyun looks out the window. "I know now that it's not your fault. You love him, and… maybe I should have loved you enough to let you go." 

Except Zhou Mi is the one to blame. Just like he wasn't strong enough to resist Siwon, he's not strong enough to let Kyuhyun go. 

 

*

 

_Kyuhyun clutches the steering wheel in his hands, so hard that his knuckles are white. He'd looked over just in time to see the screen of Zhou Mi's phone light up with Siwon's name._

_And he knows. He knows._

_"You're still seeing him," he accuses. "You fucked him again, didn't you?" Kyuhyun is simmering in anger, his rage filling the car, making the air toxic._

_"Kyu,' Zhou Mi pleads. "Let's not do this now. We'll talk later. Turn the car around. We'll go home and talk."_

_Kyuhyun slams his hands against the wheel. "I can't fucking believe you! You promised me! How could you? How can you say that you love me and do this?" Tears start streaming down Kyuhyun's face and he, who never cries in front of anyone, lets them fall. "You're choosing him, aren't you? You want him more than me."_

_Except Zhou Mi doesn't, not really. He wants - needs - them both._

_There's tears and Zhou Mi can't see. He can't see because there's headlights blinding them, so bright and white, and the last thing he remembers is Kyuhyun yanking the wheel._

 

*

 

Siwon is finally back from his trip, and Zhou Mi's bruises have faded. 

He enters their home, picking Zhou Mi up in a bear hug. "Hi, I missed you." 

"I missed you too," Zhou Mi murmurs, letting him fall into Siwon's embrace. 

"What did you get up to while I was away?" Siwon asks, letting go of him so he can put his bags away. 

Zhou Mi trails after him. "Umm… I saw Ryeowook." He stops there. He doesn't think Siwon wants to know that he spent the time drinking too much and seeing Kyuhyun. "Also… I went to see Heechul."

Siwon pauses briefly before continuing to their bedroom. "Are you going to work again?"

"Yeah. Maybe." Zhou Mi chews on his lip and watches the muscles in Siwon's arms tense as he lifts his suitcase on to the bed. 

"Are you ready? You know you don't have to."

"I know. But… it's time, isn't it? I can't leech off you forever."

"You're not, I'll support you in whatever you do." 

"Yeah." Zhou Mi tries to deflect the conversation. "How was the trip?"

"Really good but tiring." Siwon opens his suitcase and starts to unpack. Zhou Mi goes to help, pulling out an armful of Siwon's shirts and dumping them into the laundry basket in the corner.

"Hey Mi?"

Zhou Mi turns back with a questioning glance. "Yes?"

"I looked at the calendar today and remembered… it's been a year…" Siwon is uneasy, like he's unsure of how Zhou Mi is going to react. "Do you want to go see Kyuhyun?" 

Zhou Mi's blood has turned into ice in his veins. Isn't it funny how coldness can burn as much as fire? "No." 

Siwon walks up to him, placing his hand on Zhou Mi's shoulder. "You haven't visited him for a long time."

Zhou Mi shakes his head, barely holding on to his composure. 

Siwon tries to put his arms around him. "There's still a chance that one day he'll recover." 

"No. NO." Zhou Mi jerks away from him, almost crashing into the wall in his haste. "It's not him, it's just a shell." 

He knows this because he sees Kyuhyun, he _sees_ him, and that withered body lying in the hospital bed isn't Kyuhyun.

 

* 

 

_When Zhou Mi is discharged, a couple of weeks after the accident, he returns home alone._

_Ryeowook picks him up from the hospital and drops him off but Zhou Mi doesn't allow him to come up with him. He ignores the elevator and limps his way up the stairs, each step sending pain shooting through him._

_He opens the door to a musty, dust filled apartment. There's still dishes in the sink, and one of Kyuhyun's jumpers lying on top of the couch._

_Zhou Mi sits at their dining table and cries, the tears falling helplessly from him and flooding the wooden surface._

 

*

 

"Siwon's right, you know. You should come and see me." 

"Shut up, Kyuhyun. That's not you."

Kyuhyun laughs disbelievingly. "And you think this is me?" 

Zhou Mi scrunches his eyes together, pulling himself into a little ball. "Don't." He wants to throw up. He wants to expel the badness inside of him, vomit until it's all gone. 

"Someone needs to tell you this. This isn't real, Mi. Stop it." 

"Shut up, shut up, shut up." Colours leak their way through Zhou Mi's eyelids as he presses on them with his fists. 

The room is so quiet that Zhou Mi thinks Kyuhyun must've left again. And then Kyuhyun says, "Even after everything, I still love you." 

Even after everything, Zhou Mi still loves him too. That's the problem. His love has locked them both into a prison that they'll never escape. 

"Why do you still wear my ring?" Kyuhyun asks, and when Zhou Mi takes his hands away from his face he finds Kyuhyun staring at his hands. "You should take it off. Doesn't Siwon think that it's weird that you wear another man's ring?"

That's the difference between the two of them. Or maybe it's because Siwon came later. Siwon has always known that there is a part of Zhou Mi's heart that belongs to Kyuhyun, and just because he's in a coma, that hasn't changed. 

Siwon _accepts_ him. He deserves more, but he still accepts him.

Zhou Mi looks at Kyuhyun's hands. "You still wear mine."

The corner of Kyuhyun's mouth tips up into something that's not a smile. "That's because I'm not real." 

 

*

 

_Mrs Cho is waiting outside Kyuhyun's room when Zhou Mi arrives. Even from a distance he can see the exhaustion, the grief, evident on her face - her eyes dark and sunken, her hair twinged with stripes of silver. Before the accident, she was always so put together, so presentable, but today her clothes are rumpled and it looks like she hasn't brushed her hair in weeks._

_Panic rises in Zhou Mi at the way she's guarding the door to Kyuhyun's room._

_When she spots him, she walks forward to meet him._

_"Zhou Mi," she says formally._

_"Mr Cho. Is - is everything okay?" he says, voice going high in distress. "Kyuhyun? Is he -?"_

_"He's fine," she interjects. "Well. The same."_

_Kyuhyun isn't fine. It's been two months since the accident and he still hasn't opened his eyes. Zhou Mi has come every day but nothing changes._

_Mrs Cho stares at a spot on the wall, behind Zhou Mi's ear. "I don't think you should visit any more," she tells him and at least she has the decency to look slightly ashamed. "He's not getting better. You don't need to come."_

_"But," Zhou Mi attempts to say, before he's interrupted again, and this time she looks him in the eyes._

_"I know what you did," she says furiously. "He told me. I know what you did." She trembles with suppressed hurt. Anger. Sorrow. "You broke his heart."_

_And Zhou Mi can't disagree with her words. He did and he'll never forgive himself for it._

_"Can I say goodbye at least?" he asks, head bowed. He can't look her in the eyes any more, can't bear to see the pain that's etched on her face. And she deflates, shoulders slumping as she realises he's not going to argue this._

_She steps aside._

 

*

 

To Zhou Mi's surprise, Heechul manages to book Zhou Mi on a job. Even more surprisingly: it's a good one. 

"It's for a magazine profile - you remember Kim Kibum. He specifically requested you when he heard you were back. You know he's a big deal now." Zhou Mi can hear Heechul's unspoken warning loud and clear: don't fuck this up.

Zhou Mi shows up to the shoot after a sleepless night. He looks awful and he hasn't eaten, but he hopes that makeup and photoshop will take care of it.

In the past couple of years, Kim Kibum has become one of the country's most sought after designers. Zhou Mi still remembers when he was brand new and incredibly nervous about the release of his own label. Zhou Mi and Siwon had both participated in the first look book for Kibum's line, and Zhou Mi had walked for his inaugural show. Zhou Mi had done it as a favour to Heechul, who knew Kibum through some convoluted link - Heechul's mother's best friend was related to Kibum's father. 

Whatever the link, it has come in handy. And thank goodness Zhou Mi had been kind to the kid back then. 

"Zhou Mi!" Kibum comes towards him with a grin, his eyes curved into crescents. He's flanked by his assistants, who look annoyed that he's willing to greet the "help". Kibum draws him into a hug. "It's really good to see you. I was so happy to hear that you're back." 

"It's good to see you too. You've been making quite the name for yourself." 

"Oh." Kibum flushes prettily at the compliment, tugging gently at one of the earrings hanging from his earlobe. God, he's still so _fresh_ and uncynical. Zhou Mi can't help but think that it won't last much longer.

"Thanks for booking me, by the way," Zhou Mi continues. "I'll try not to let you down."

"I know you won't. You've always been so nice to me," Kibum tells him. "You and Siwon. How is he?"

Kyuhyun is standing behind Kibum, a shadow. The corner of Kyuhyun's mouth tips up into a smirk. "Yes, how is he?" he echoes. 

Zhou Mi tries to hide the tremor that goes through him. "He's good, he's fine," he tells Kibum. 

"Are you okay?" Kibum asks, a note of concern in his voice. Zhou Mi forces his lips into a semblance of a smile. 

"Yeah, too much coffee this morning," he lies. Zhou Mi has practiced lying to himself so much that sometimes he can even lie to other people. He gives a self deprecating shrug. "I'll be fine. I better get my makeup done." Zhou Mi walks off, Kyuhyun following behind closely. 

"He's good, he's fine," Kyuhyun mocks in a sickly sweet voice as they cross the room. 

"Fuck off," Zhou Mi hisses in the couple of moments while they're alone. He greets the make up artist and takes a seat. 

Kyuhyun perches on the table in front of him, blocking Zhou Mi's reflection of himself in the mirror. "What do you think now, Mi? Do you still think I'm real?" Kyuhyun asks. 

Zhou Mi clutches the arms of his chair, knuckles white, unable to respond as the makeup artist starts applying foundation to his skin. Zhou Mi forces himself to keep breathing normally, not to respond to the provocation. 

"Just admit that I'm not real, Mi. Just admit it and I'll go away." 

Zhou Mi can't do it. He sits there and pretends that everything is okay while Kyuhyun taps his foot and waits. 

 

*

 

_When Zhou Mi wakes up he can hear Kyuhyun bustling around outside the bedroom. Judging by the light shining through the window it must be early afternoon. The room is starting to warm up - it always does in the summer when the curtains are open._

_Zhou Mi feels a bit ill, head hazy, and as he sits up the entire room spins._

_He's about to call out for Kyuhyun when he remembers, and it makes him want to vomit._

_Kyuhyun's not there._

_Kyuhyun is in hospital._

_He's not there._

_Zhou Mi yelps in anguish, cradling his head in his hands. He wants to sob, but he's cried so much by now that all his tears have dried up._

_"Mimi?" Zhou Mi looks up, pain shooting through him, to see Siwon in the doorway, hesitant. "Are you okay?"_

_"What happened?" Zhou Mi croaks. "What are you doing here?" He doesn't remember anything from the night before. He remembers leaving the hospital and the rest is a dark blur._

_He doesn't want to remember._

_"You called me. From the bar," Siwon tells him softly. Zhou Mi hasn't seen Siwon in two months - since that day. He hasn't spoken to him, hasn't returned his phone calls or messages. He hates himself for being weak, for letting Siwon see him like this._

_Siwon strides over and Zhou Mi can't help himself - he flinches away from him._

_"I'm sorry," he tells Siwon, knowing that he's hurt him. "I'm sorry for everything."_

_"It's okay," Siwon tells him. "You don't have to be sorry. It's okay." He nears him slowly before pulling him into a hug, and as his arms tighten around him, Zhou Mi feels like a part of himself has come home._

 

*

 

Zhou Mi stands on the footpath, trying to wave down a taxi. The make up feels heavy on his skin, oily under the sweat beading on his brow. He managed to keep it together for the shoot. He's done so many in the past, that even with the time off and Kyuhyun standing to the side, he can do it on autopilot. But afterwards he walked - one block, two blocks, three blocks, four - until he was lost. 

Zhou Mi has been lost for a long time. Cars whizz past, ignoring him. He's another lonely figure in an entire city of lonely figures. 

Kyuhyun stands next to him, chewing on his thumb. He's always had a bad habit of chewing on his nails. "Kibum was flirting with you." 

"Shut up. He wasn't." 

Kyuhyun just shrugs. "You're right, he probably wasn't. Who would want someone like you." His tone is flat and he stares into the road.

"Why are you trying to make me hate you?"

"I'm trying to make you let me go." 

Zhou Mi finally puts his arm down, giving up on hailing a taxi. He realises that his cheeks are wet. "I can't, I told you."

"Mi, please. If you love me, if you ever loved me, please come and see me," Kyuhyun pleads. Zhou Mi turns to look at him, and he looks so young, so much like the boy he fell in love with, that his heart constricts with the memories. 

 

*

 

_Zhou Mi looks around his - their - apartment. Everything has been boxed up and it's as bare as the day they moved in. Once upon a time it was filled with trinkets and artwork and evidence of their lives together. And now, it's empty. Just like he is._

_Ryeowook pats him on the shoulder. "Are you going to sell this place?" he asks, his voice quiet. Dust motes float in the air around them._

_Zhou Mi shrugs. "I don't know." He doesn't know if legally he can - he hasn't looked into it. He just knows that he can't stay here, surrounded by the ghosts of his memories._

_Siwon walks through the front door. "Okay, the truck is loaded. Are you ready to go?" He holds out his hand and Zhou Mi automatically reaches to take it._

_"I'm ready."_

_As the door closes behind him, he feels a sense of loss, like he's leaving something behind that he can never get back._

 

*

 

"I can't go in there with you," Kyuhyun tells him when they're standing outside the door to Kyuhyun's room. 

It's been a long time since Zhou Mi was here. He still remembers the hours he spent sitting by the bed, talking until his throat was sore and hoarse, apologising over and over, as if that would be enough to bring Kyuhyun back. 

Zhou Mi nods and pushes open the door, leaving him behind. 

Everything is the same. There's a single hospital bed in the middle of the room, with a small figure lying in the middle. Kyuhyun is on his back, his body hooked up to various machines. There's a respirator with a breathing tube covering the lower half of his face, but Zhou Mi can see that his eyes are closed. There's a vase of fresh flowers on the bedside table, and the curtains are open. Zhou Mi always has a perception that hospital rooms are bright and sterile, but Kyuhyun's room is nice - almost homely if it weren't for the life support machines. The walls are painted a pale green, and there's even artwork hanging on the walls. 

Zhou Mi finds a chair in the corner of the room and tugs it over to the side of the bed. He sits down and picks up Kyuhyun's hand, careful not to disturb the wires and lines coming off him. 

"Kyuhyun?" he calls softly. There's no response, just the low hiss of the ventilator and the slow beep of the heart monitor. "I'm sorry I haven't come to visit more often," Zhou Mi begins. "But I've been thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about you." 

He runs his thumb over the back of Kyuhyun's hand and looks out the window. The sky is clear and blue. 

Zhou Mi's eyes are dry. It feels like he should be sadder than he is, but he doesn't feel anything. There's nothing here. He holds Kyuhyun's hand and then he realises that Kyuhyun isn't wearing his ring. 

Of course he's not. It would have been removed when he was admitted to hospital. But where is the ring? Zhou Mi was given Kyuhyun's belongings - his phone and wallet - and he doesn't remember the ring being among them. 

"This isn't you," he whispers. "This isn't you." His voice raises to a shout. "Kyuhyun. Come out. Kyuhyun!" 

There's a sigh from behind him. "I thought it would help."

Zhou Mi turns to Kyuhyun. "You're real."

"I am," Kyuhyun tells him as he comes around and looks down at the bed. 

Zhou Mi keeps stroking Kyuhyun's hand. Together they watch the slow rise and fall of Kyuhyun's chest. "Will you ever wake up?" 

"No."

"What happens if you get taken off life support?"

"Nothing will change. I'm not in there anymore. I'm here." Kyuhyun looks down at his body regretfully. "You wanted both of us, didn't you?"

Yes - but. Zhou Mi hadn't wanted it like this. 

"Did you think there could be another way?" Kyuhyun continues. "That the three of us could live happily ever after? Life isn't a fairytale."

Zhou Mi glances out the window again. The sky has clouded over. Perhaps it'll rain. 

No. Life isn't a fairytale. It's a tragedy. 

 

*

 

_Siwon has gone out to buy breakfast when Kyuhyun strolls into the bedroom like he belongs there._

_"It didn't take long for you to replace me," Kyuhyun says, looking around judgingly. "Not even a year." He gives Zhou Mi a reproachful look while Zhou Mi clutches his chest and tries to keep breathing. "I knew you were going to choose him."_

_He looks the same, just the same, as before the accident. How is that possible?_

_"What the fuck. I'm - what the fuck," Zhou Mi gasps in horror. The last time he saw Kyuhyun was six months ago, when Kyuhyun's mother told him not to visit any more. "How are you here? I don't - fuck - how?"_

_"You can't get rid of me that easily," is what Kyuhyun says, when he really means: I'm going to haunt you forever. "You promised that we'll always be together. You promised to always love me."_

_"I do. I do love you," Zhou Mi protests, reaching out for him. But Kyuhyun steps away before he can touch him. "I'm so sorry, please, Kyuhyun."_

_"It's too late for sorry."_

_The problem with apologies - no matter how sincere and heartfelt - is that they can't change the past._

 

*

 

It's late by the time Zhou Mi arrives home, and Siwon greets him with a relieved smile. He sets his laptop aside and beckons Zhou Mi over. Zhou Mi joins him on the couch, pulling his legs underneath him as he takes a seat.

"How did the shoot go?" Siwon asks, draping an arm around Zhou Mi's waist and pulling him close. 

"Good. Kibum asked after you. He said to say hello," Zhou Mi murmurs. He suddenly realises that he's exhausted, the events of the day taking more out of him than he'd thought. He presses his face into Siwon's shoulder. 

Siwon hums, a little pleased sound, and kisses him lightly on the forehead. 

"I went to see Kyuhyun." 

Siwon stiffens but his voice doesn't change. It's as gentle and genuine as ever. "How is he?"

"No change. But I… I've decided that I don't need to go there again," Zhou Mi says. He lifts his head and makes eye contact with Kyuhyun, who's leaning against the door frame, waiting. "Kyuhyun isn't there anymore." 

"Mimi…"

"No. There's nothing you can say. I know it's true. He'll never be who he was." Zhou Mi reaches for Siwon's hand, clasping it tightly in his. "But it doesn't mean that I'll forget him. He'll always be with me."

A smile slowly spreads over Kyuhyun's face. There's rainclouds gathering in Zhou Mi's eyes. 

"I love you," Zhou Mi says, the words bittersweet in his mouth. Lightning flashes behind his eyelids, and his words sound like thunder: heavy, sharp, ripping the sky - his heart - in two. 

"I love you," Siwon and Kyuhyun reply simultaneously.

They're the most awful words Zhou Mi has ever heard.


End file.
